I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
