I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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