that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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