His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just puked most of my soul out..
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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