She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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