How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
