im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
