you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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