i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
