I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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