It's like a parade of train wrecks.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
