I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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