yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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