it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
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Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
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My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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