i think my tv is drunk
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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