I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
