I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
