Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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