What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
