well I can't set my house on fire every night
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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