I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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