Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
