I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
