I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
