he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
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You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
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Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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