420 ftw
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
