I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
