I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
