he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
