dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
