the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
