Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I deserve this hangover.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
