When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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