Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
