I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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