the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
