Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
