im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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