Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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