I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
