you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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