i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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