I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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