my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
