I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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