i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
