My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
