Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
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