no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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