1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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