Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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