Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
