Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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