Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
