wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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