I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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