I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
