Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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