There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
