i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
